Love Shack Baby!
There you are, minding your own business and then they walk into the room. They walk towards you—cue slo-mo. You sheepishly bat those lashes, they confidently go in for the kiss. You smile and then quickly reject potential kiss to present the pile of dishes in the sink they forgot to do this morning before leaving for work. Not today sweety, not today.
This is just a typical scene of couples cohabitating. ANYONE who says it’s so easy to live with someone else is either a liar or has found some long lost unicorn in some foreign land. Rainbows aside, living together takes finesse, patience, and boundaries. Buying or renting a home together also has its various challenges. So let’s explore.
The Six Month Rule
In high school, my psych teacher taught me a valuable lesson (thanks, Mr. Pillow). Every relationship changes at six months. Six months is the period where you are contemplating a life with this person. It is the time when the infatuation ends and the observations begin. It’s when you’ll notice everything from the way they sip their coffee to the way they manage their money. Keep this in mind for later…
Your Place or Mine?
As time rolls and the relationship becomes deeper with sleepovers becoming more frequent, the “Let’s live together” convo happens. This is a crucial part of the relationship and where things become wide open. it’s mostly justified in financial terms, saving money and all, but it also comes down to not wanting to be apart from your person for too long. So comes the decision on who will be cohabitating with whom. This is where you consider the size of a place, the location, and the ability to house pets. Do they own or do they rent? It gets a bit risky in this instance.
My House, My Rules
If you are moving in with someone who owns their own place, there are some things you should know. They have a routine, a home routine. They aren’t used to having your dirty laundry mixed in with theirs or your soy milk inhabiting the fridge. You might like to wake up at 5am for Yoga Sundays at the foot of the bed and they might like late night hangs with their guests at home. Be aware of these things and open up that communication when considering living in someone else’s home. Love or not, this can be a deal breaker situation. I’ve seen many a relationship fall apart over spilt toothpaste and leaving just one slice of bread in the bag. Talk about everything from eating habits to cleaning routines to cultural routines (there must be rice in the house at all times!)
(Our) House
This scenario entails a relationship that is potentially in it to win it. You’ve been dating almost a year, and they had planned on buying a home. Are you to be buying with them or will they become your landlord? I’ve seen a few couples go through this—they are both renting, one has plans to buy, the other can’t buy. due to low credit or inconsistent job history. It can be sticky because it’s not just a committed relationship, but a committed financial and transactional relationship. Sure, you can hear the wedding bells in a far off distance, but you’re also still considering the “what ifs”.
To the person buying the house, I’m going to go with my mom’s advice—always be prepared for the worst case scenario. I’ve seen some pretty ugly breakups and there can be challenges depending on what type of agreement you have. This is also a conversation to be had, hard or not, you don’t want to a) get stuck with a mortgage you can’t possibly pay on your own, b) have an ugly court battle, or c) have to give up the house all together. Always have a contract between you. I know it’s not the most romantic endeavor, but it is one that will keep you and your heart safe. Look, I’m rooting for you here, but remember communication is key in every relationship, in addition to reality checks.
Crossing the Threshold
“The average cost of a wedding in 2021 was $28,000 (including the ceremony and reception), according to The Knot's 2021 Real Weddings Study.” - Nerdwallet
That’s more than a downpayment most times. I think this is solid advice, and coming from someone who paid $25K for their first wedding. If I had to go back, I would opt for owning a home. Couples just starting out, be smart—do you want to begin wedded bliss in debt or would you rather start building some equity together? Think about what a wedding means to you and whether having an extravagant affair trumps having your very own home. In addition, think of the money you will be saving for the possible wedding of your dreams. Put a ring on it and build for your future together.
Happily Ever After
No matter how you decide to cohabitate, the wisest advice I can give is to talk to each other about what living together will look like. Discuss everything from who will take the dog out to the tourettes you seem to get while sleeping. As I said, it is not easy living with someone you love, sometimes more difficult than family. Have plans, make cohabitation contracts, respect each other’s space, and love and be loved where you live. Happy Hunting!